Dear Natey #11
Some of my boundaries feel selfish. Help! - J
(Nate’s Note: We’ve got some really fun shows coming up, including one with Ninety Pound Wuss - be sure to read to the bottom!)
Dear J.
It can feel selfish to make room for your own needs.
To me, it's about perspective. I recently read that you will always let someone down when boundaries are involved. When you don't set the necessary boundaries you need, the person you let down is yourself. That stung. It hit me that I have been letting myself down. So now, I'm learning to rework my boundaries.
And you know… guilt loves to show up when I consider giving voice to my needs. Even naming and stating to myself what I think my boundaries should be, can be hard. Such is the nature of unhealthy obligation.
A boundary in this context is a line between people. There are boundaries that should never be crossed and boundaries we learn to define through experience. One way to think of it can be that boundaries are little rules you make for yourself about what you will put up with and what will frustrate you. Tessa has a rule that she will only let someone borrow something if she knows in her heart that she is ok with that thing never being returned. Boundaries can also be relational. Unknown to each other, both Tessa and I had a rule that we would not kiss someone unless we were in a defined relationship with them. That served our hearts well, and to our surprise, when we finally became a couple, we found out that neither one of us had kissed anyone in 10 years!
Sometimes boundaries can be tangible. For example, touch. It’s not acceptable to punch a random person. This is a firm no, likely a crime, and definitely a boundary violation.
But much less obvious are boundaries that involve invisible constructs, such as time or emotional responsibility, or obligations. We all have to figure out what our limits are. What is your capacity? How many “spoons” do you have? Boundaries differ from person to person and season to season.
Here are a few examples of groups prone to struggle with their boundaries:
Churches and service organizations often have values that can be easily taken advantage of. Putting others before yourself, volunteer work, devotion to a cause are all good things, but when giving too much/working too many hours causes you to burn out or feel manipulated, it is time to look at what your boundaries need to be. Bad things happen when mission and calling are put ahead of the care of people.
Trauma survivors sometimes have a hard time defining boundaries because their boundaries were often violated in the context of how they were harmed.
Addicts & those close to them can be especially boundary blind. The nature of addiction pushes boundaries, and those who enable or support the addict can very easily fall into co-dependence.
Those in the helping professions, such as social workers and therapists (and many other kinds of helpers), may struggle with boundaries because there are always more people who need help.
Since I am in all the camps above, boundaries are complicated.
When we need to set a boundary but don’t, our bodies or minds eventually tell us something is off. Feeling irritated, confused, or frustrated about a situation is often a clue that your boundaries have been crossed or that you need to set a boundary. Unfortunately, when the person violating our boundary is in a position of power, our shutdown survival instincts can take over and we can miss the signs that something is off.
I've been working with a “hell yeah or no” framework I learned from Derek Sivers for the past year or so. Essentially, it says that if you can't be all in, that's a clue that maybe you should say no. I've started applying that more and more, finding it very helpful. Just this weekend, I was sorting through all sorts of “maybes” until I settled on the fact, I really wanted to read a book. That was the only option I felt clear about on my list, so I read.
In closing, let me return to the opening idea: When it comes to boundaries, when you need to set them and you don't, the person you let down is yourself. If you have trouble setting boundaries or figuring out what your boundaries should be, that is an excellent reason to read a book on boundaries or meet with a therapist to get to the root of the problem.
Artwork designed by Nate. You can get the design on a T-shirt in our Etsy Store.
*Nate Allen is a Licensed Clinical Marriage & Family Therapist in Kansas and Missouri. He is the author of Launching, Landing, Moving Forward: A Practical Guide for Navigating Life’s Transitions. Dear Natey is meant for entertainment purposes only & should not be considered a replacement for speaking to a mental health professional.
Creative Updates:
Nate released a new Good Saint Nathanael single, “Glad You Were Made.” It’s on a benefit compilation for Ted Bond (Craig’s Brother), who is fighting cancer. You can download it now on Bandcamp.
It’s a pretty encouraging song! Take a listen!
Concerts:
Friday, June 20th, in Kansas City, MO - Nate is playing a solo, Good Saint Nathanael show at Velo Garage with Major Matt Mason.
July 3 - 6th in Champaign-Urbana, IL, Destroy Nate Allen will be performing, and Nate will be teaching at Audiofeed Music Festival. You should come and bring your friends!
August 23rd in Denver, CO, we are playing with Ninety Pound Wuss at Marquis Theater.
We’ll be traveling some in the upcoming months, let us know if you want to set up a show.
Click here to stream or purchase our music in the webstore.
As always, free ways to support our adventures include inviting your friends to like our pages, posting about our music or projects, and following/streaming/putting our tunes on playlists to share with your friends.
Thank you for your continued support!
Nate & Tessa
Nate runs Nate Allen Therapy in Kansas City, MO. He specializes in seeing adults who are in life transitions, dealing with creative or emotional blocks, struggling with a non-substance-based addiction, or suffering the effects of abuse or trauma. If you don’t live in Kansas or Missouri and want to meet with him online for creative or mental health direction coaching, that is also an option.