Hi Christina.
Thanks for writing. I loved your questions. I decided to split my answer into two parts.
You asked: “I meet a lot of folks who are not in a state of authentic or transparent friendship with many (or any) people. It seems as though they don’t feel safe/comfortable/able to do so. What can people do to learn how to become someone who attracts/promotes deeper relating for or with others? (Asking for myself as the person who feels comfortable in a state of authenticity, as well as for folks who would like to experience authenticity but don’t know where to start.) What are some areas for growth that commonly restrict a person’s comfort with authenticity and relational vulnerability?
To me, attracting deeper relating requires vulnerability and authenticity. We have to show up AND be present. I love viewing this conversation through the framework of safety and connection. So how do we become safe people so others feel comfortable opening up?
I believe we are designed for connection and to be in tribes. The deeper connections we can make the better. Isolation can be a matter of life and death. So what makes a person feel connected to another person? To me, this starts with common factors. Do we have common interests? Do I sense a person is safe? When I speak to them, am I comfortable?
For years, I was very disconnected from my nervous system. I mostly walked around on what I would call mild-alert to slightly-dissociated. As I have healed, I have begun to recognize I can instantly feel comfortable with certain people but not others. This week, I met a new colleague and thought, "We can easily be friends." It stood out because I'm not sure I'd consciously noticed that ease in myself before.
So, how do we become people who create atmospheres of safety for others? Awareness can be key. What roles do we hold? Do I hold the power in a situation? I'm a white man. I hold power sometimes, just by existing. Does someone perceive me as an authority figure or a peer? Is there any transference happening? What kind of day have they had? If I want to connect with someone, I need to read the room. Is there a possibility of a connection? If my offer of connection is not received, is it a matter of trying differently or respecting boundaries?
I try to have a stance of openness and vulnerability. Most of the relationships I have in my life have come from me making the first move. We've seen this time and time again at shows, if we are vulnerable, people feel permission to be vulnerable in return. The same goes for conversation. As a therapist, it's my job to create a space for people to feel comfortable, so I have to be intentional.
Other factors include what kind of questions do we ask? Are we genuinely curious about a person’s story, or are we filling space because we are nervous? When a person does share something, we actually have to let them talk - especially if they are being vulnerable.
What kind of energy are we bringing with us? What kind of atmosphere are we creating? Are we overcome with depression, anger, guardedness, and frustration? If that's the case, speaking to a professional may be very much in order. I have had energy work done that has helped chip away at my “on-guardedness.” This is intentional work with the body’s nervous system and energy fields to defuse stress and bring wholeness.
If I’m seeking to connect, I gravitate towards quiet spaces. Expecting deep conversation in a loud public space is a hard ask.
It should be noted that friendship and relationships are still valuable at every level. Even talking with an acquaintance can improve life. The research I've seen says it takes many hours to become close friends with someone. Sometimes, the process can be sped up with the right alignment of factors.
How do we create connection when a person is highly defensive? We stay calm. We share our peaceful energy with them. If someone is defensive, it’s easy for us to become stirred up or reactive. Sometimes, I need to slow the conversation down to comprehend what a person is communicating fully. It takes intention.
Practical ways to set a connecting atmosphere are to offer a cup of ice water or warm tea. Breath work will lower your heart rate within minutes. Try box breathing – something we can do without most people noticing, to bring OURSELVES peace.
Vulnerability and authenticity invite a conversation, but intentional willingness to connect is only half of the process. The offer must be received. Becoming vulnerable is a goal both parties must share, which we explore in the next column.
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*Nate Allen is a Licensed Clinical Marriage & Family Therapist in Kansas and Missouri. He is the author of Launching, Landing, Moving Forward: A Practical Guide For Navigating Life’s Transitions. Dear Natey is meant for entertainment purposes only & should not be considered a replacement for speaking to a mental health professional.
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