Hi Christina.
Thanks for writing. This part 2 of a series on Authenticity and Vulnerability. Click here to read Part 1.
You asked:
"What are some areas for growth that commonly restrict a person’s comfort with being authentic and relationally vulnerable?"
Common stop signs I see that prevent vulnerability include:
Not knowing that it is possible to change.
Not wanting to change.
Not knowing why it's worth changing.
Being too busy or distracted.
Relational Trauma
Underlying all these reasons for me is the question of, “Is it worth it?”
I would say yes. It's the kind of decision that can break cycles of trauma, save marriages, & truly improve a person's quality of life. But most people I meet, who struggle with the type of discomfort that prevents vulnerability, don't just wake up & say “today I'm gonna be different” & magically have their life change. It takes work. So here are some thoughts on what it is like to walk the path toward increased emotional comfortability.
I'll start by establishing a baseline with how I see people. Deep down at our core I think we all want to do good. Unfortunately we all know that does not always happen. Some defensiveness feels malicious but there is another type of guardedness that is almost automatic. It is this part of us that I assume wants to act with authenticity, transparency, & integrity.
So when you mention comfort I find myself asking how do we get to the place where we can be comfortable enough to move toward authenticity & vulnerability when we want to in a world that can vary drastically from situation to situation.
First off, let's consider the atmosphere, or what we are sensing around us in a given moment. For instance, will I dance in the kitchen like a crazy person with kids? You better believe it…. However there have been other moments where I was invited to dance and I found it literally impossible to move my feet.
One of these moments happened years ago in Kansas City, Kansas. We stumbled upon a block party full of the most amazing sights and sounds. I loved it. I was instantly transported to Mexico. The dance floor was alive with couples and Tessa wanted me to dance with her but I couldn't move & I said no repeatedly. Did I want to dance with her? I did but something deep inside resisted. Only by putting forth a huge amount of effort (because I knew it mattered to her) was I able to start doing a very reserved little shuffle. I never fully loosened up but the other men on the dance floor could tell how hard it was for me and when I was done a few of them came up to shake my hand.
I have yet to meet a highly guarded person who has not experienced some type of deep pain. Often, we can be unaware of the factors that have shaped us. Even if we don’t remember what has happened, or time has moved on, it does not mean that we have moved past the hurt. I have tried, trust me have I tried. Unfortunately in my experience, when I just pushed forward, looking to the future, the pain I was running from still remained. For years, I tried to forgive, even singing about my process. But until I started asking questions like, “what really happened to me?” and exploring the damages, I remained stuck. I have come to believe that time may make things blurry but it does not heal much.
So when we realize our vulnerability is limited, we are faced with a choice. What do we want to do about it? Is it worth the risk to seek out help? I have found that it is worth it but far from easy. A good example of it being worth it, is that by being able to move toward comfort, I have been able to advocate for myself in ways I never knew were possible. At my last job I was apparently one of the few employees that ever sat down with the boss and voiced my concerns. Heck, I even sang her a song I wrote on the way to the meeting about some of the things we needed to discuss. The greater comfort and security I now have would not exist without the inner-work I have done. It is truly cause and effect.
Choosing to move toward becoming more authentic, more vulnerable, or to explore our inner-motivations must be an individual choice. We can't force it on someone, no matter how bad we want them to change to what we see as a better path. However in an odd twist of fate, life has a way of pushing us into corners where we have to face our pain. We all go through moments where our life falls apart and we have to rebuild. Will we face the reality of our pain alone or alongside others?
Recognizing the pain and getting curious about what can be done about it is a significant step toward healing. And then once we make this first step, a whole world of possibility can open. I have healed and am healing in ways I never knew possible.
It helps to name vulnerability and connection as an intention. This means putting it on paper, saying it out loud, that sort of intention. Combine this with some intentional goal setting. Dream about what it would feel like to be loved for who you are. Who do you know that exudes earnest confidence? Or at least seems a step ahead of you. What can you learn from them?
The next phase of seeking to become a more vulnerable and authentic person is facing reality. What risks are involved, and what will it take to accomplish our goal? We know that not everyone is a safe person. Sometimes we are the ones trapping ourselves with the rules we have judged others by. It can feel a little like stabbing in the dark as we figure out when, how, and who to be open around. We’re hoping for the miraculous if we expect everything to line up without our efforts and risks.
Once we have set our intention to move toward becoming an authentic and vulnerable person, it’s time for action. Which I will get into in the next Dear Natey.
Artwork designed by Nate. You can get the design on a T-shirt in our Etsy Store.
*Nate Allen is a Licensed Clinical Marriage & Family Therapist in Kansas and Missouri. He is the author of Launching, Landing, Moving Forward: A Practical Guide For Navigating Life’s Transitions. Dear Natey is meant for entertainment purposes only & should not be considered a replacement for speaking to a mental health professional.
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